UPDATE: Academic Writing--Five Rhetorical Occasions: Group Letters or Notes (11/2 Revisions Posted)

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During class on November 2, five groups of students revised their October 26 letters, which were based on the following five rhetorical situations:

1. Close Family Member:

Write a note to one of your parents, asking him or her if you can borrow the car to take to Lake Ohrid for a week.

Hi Mom,

Can I please take the car next week? I'm planning to take Elica, Aleksandra, Kate, Vesna, Gorjan, and Sanja to Ohrid since they've never been there. I know that you might need the car, but you know how much you like cycling, so I was hoping you could use my bike. I promise to drive safely and call you every day. If anything happens to the car, I'll do dishes for a month!

Love,

Your favorite child

(Group 1: Katerina Angelkovska, Elica Atanasovska, Vesna Ilievska, Gorjan Kostovski, Sanja Pleshkova, Aleksandra Velkova)

Professor's Notes: Your overall tone/register is good for this situation.

However, you need to "butter up" your mother some more. Maybe your parents do like to cycle, but do you think that they will want to cycle to work for a week, even if it rains? As a parent I would be lol (laughing out loud).

Suggestions for revisions:

I would up the stakes more and offer your mother more of a reason to grant your request. For example,

--Offer to pay for your own petrol, to and from Lake Ohrid. Now while that may seem expensive, you have five friends who are going with you, so you would not be out of line to ask them to chip in. That way, you could return the car to your mother with a full tank of gas (even if the tank isn't full when you get the car). Your mother will love you even more and will likely to see you in a new light: as a young and responsible adult. Who knows? Maybe she will regularly lend you her car for long trips.

--Promise (and stick to it) not to drink alcohol while driving.

--Upon your return from Ohrid, offer to wash the car, inside and out. Even if your mother usually drives a garbage can on wheels, she will love her nice cleaned-out car.

--If you should wreck the car, offer to pay what insurance will not cover, either in denars or jobs around the house. That will give you an incentive to drive like a little old lady (from Pasadena).

--In return for her thoughtfulness, offer to help her with a major household project when you return (even if you bring the car home in pristine condition).

Depending on your family situation, you may not need to offer all the above promises, but you should definitely offer to compensate your mother for any damages you do to the car.

Suggestions for revision: Up the stakes and use more paragraphs, setting off each idea separately.

11/2 Revision: Much better job

Hi Mom, Can I please take the car next week? I'm planning to take Elica, Aleksandra, Kate, Vesna, Gorjan, and Sanja to Ohrid since they've never been there. They're all willing to split the gas money and I promise to be extra careful with the car. Plus, they'll all come next week and help out with the painting of the house. I'll remember to get you that Ohrid Pearl you've always wanted.

If anything happens to the car I'll take full responsibility.

Love,

Your favorite son

(11/2, Group 1: Katerina Angelkovska, Elica Atanasovska, Vesna Ilievska, Gorjan Kostovski, Sanja Pleshkova, Aleksandra Tomeska, Aleksandra Velkova)

2. Good Friend:

Write a note to your best friend, asking him or her if you can borrow 1,000 denars, which you will pay back in two weeks, after you get paid.

Dear Maria,

I'm writing to you hoping that you could help me out. Unfortunately, my boss told me that I'd get my paycheck two weeks later than usual. Could you lend me 1000 denars. It would be a great help in this fucked-up situation.

As soon as I get my paycheck I'll pay you back. I promise. We could get together and grab some coffee in Starbucks. It's on my pocket!!! ;=)

Please, take me out of this shit.

Love,

Sarah

xoxoxo

(Group 2: Biljana Atanasovska, Goran Dimitriev, Mila Dimoska, Vladimir Galabovski, Elena Ivanovska, Natasha Stojanovska)

Professor's Notes: Your overall tone/register is good for this situation.

As far as the profanity goes: if you're writing (as opposed to speaking), you would less likely use profanity with your friend. In writing (even in an email), it's less common to swear (or cuss, as we sometimes say), even among friends. However, in class, I did say that it would be okay to keep it, so I'm not scolding your group. However, in your group revision, you should probably get rid of these two big-thunder swear words and replace them with some milder profanity, such as "damn" (for fucked-up) and "crap" (for shit).

"It's on my pocket" is not a typical English term (at least in American English); we would be more likely to say, "My treat" or "It's on me."

Also, when you ask a question, don't forget the question mark at the end.

Suggestions for revisions:

I don't believe that you need to up the stakes any more; Maria is your close friend who will likely lend you the money--that is, unless you have a reputation as being a "deadbeat borrower" (someone who never pays back a loan). Then, no matter what you promise, you would not likely get a loan.

I would suggest more use of paragraphing. Frequent paragraphing makes the text more readable and attractive to the reader.

11/2 Revision: Good job.

Dear Maria,

I'm writing to you hoping that you could help me out. Unfortunately, my boss told me that I'd get my paycheck two weeks later than usual. Could you lend me 1000 denars? It would be a great help coz I don't see another way out.

As soon as I get my paycheck I'll pay you back, I promise. Also, we could get together and grab some coffee in Starbucks like in good old times. It's on me!! ;).

Please, take me out of this crap.

Love,

Sarah

xoxoxo

(11/2, Group 2: Biljana Atanasovska, Goran Dimitriev, Vladimir Galabovski, Natasha Stojanovska)

3. Acquaintance:

Write a note to a classmate, asking for a ride to Aleksander the Great Aerodrome, for a flight that departs at 5:30 in the morning. You are not very close to this person, but he or she has a large van that can hold your three suitcases.

Dear Classmate,

Do you like beer? If you want the beer you need to take me to the Alexander the Great Aerodrome. My flight departs at 5:30 a.m. and you won't be needing a sleep.

You will have to pick me up at 3:30 a.m..

Please use your van as a means of transport because I have three enormous suitcases.

If you don't like beer, my father is a representative for a company that imports high quality Columbian black coffee so he's gonna pull some strings and give you a box or two.

I'm sorry I've been ignoring you up to now.

Looking forward to your positive answer.

Yours sincerely,

Group 3

(11/2, Group 3: Frosina Angelkoska, Kosta Bojcheski, Seniha Islamovska, Cvetanka Kabransova, Aleksandar Milenkov, Biljana Zdravkovska)

Professor's Notes: While this letter made us all laugh in class, I'm not all that certain that it would accomplish what you set out to do: get a ride to the aerodrome.

The opening "Do you like beer?" seems a bit strange. If I were the recipient, I would be scratching my head and questioning the writer's motives. I'd be suspicious and ask myself, "Whoa! What does this dude want, anyway?"

If I didn't distrust you before, the sentence "I'm sorry I've been ignoring you up to now" would definitely raise my hackles. It's SO transparent and obvious that the only reason you're getting in touch with "Classmate" (does he have a name?) is to cadge a ride from him.

For the ride, you offer beer, but your text sounds more like a command than a request. You need to pose your request as a question.

Then, in the middle of the letter, you realized that your classmate might not like beer, so you offer the "high quality Colombian black coffee," which, in itself, isn't so bad. However, do you really need to tell someone you don't know well that you can pull strings to get it (even if it's true)? All "Classmate" needs to know is that the delicious coffee could be possible compensation for his trouble.

Here's the deal: you are asking someone you don't know very well a MAJOR favor. Getting up at 3:30 a.m. to take an acquaintance to the aerodrome would not be high on my list of things I would want to do. I definitely wouldn't do it for the above letter writer, not with that tone of voice.

Okay, then. You'll need to revise your request. So where do you go from here?

Suggestions for revisions:

--First, you need to do some research on transportation costs to the aerodrome. You will find that a taxi from Skopje to the aerodrome costs roughly 800 denars, perhaps with a 100-denar tip (depending on how much the taxi-driver is willing to help you with your suitcases). If you need a larger taxi, it would probably cost roughly 1,000 - 1,100 denars (plus 100 denars for a tip). Your acquaintance probably already knows this.

--Second, you need to make the favor worth "Classmate's" time and consideration, by offering him, for example, 500 denars, about half the cost of a large taxi, plus some of the coffee.

Don't flatter him with insincere statements; he already knows why you are writing the letter to him. He realizes that you aren't really that interested in hanging out with him on a regular basis, so don't give him a line of bull. You simply want something that he has the power to grant or refuse; therefore, you have to make him an offer that benefits him more than it does you (or make other plans).

--Third, your last sentence contains yet another statement that demands: "Looking forward to your positive answer." How do you know that the answer will be positive? "Classmate" just might crumple up your letter and toss it away, and you and your three enormous suitcases will be hiking to the aerodrome on foot.

--Finally, think about overall register here: less than formal, but more than informal. After all, the favor requested is larger than the friendship, which seems to be minimal, at best. Thus, for the last sentence, you might consider a more formal call for action.

11/2 revision: MUCH better job; you are more likely to convince John to give you the much-coveted ride.

Dear John,

I would like to ask you a huge favor. I should be leaving for the United States on Wednesday. My plane's taking off at 5:30 a.m. I need somebody who has a bigger means of transport, because I have three enormous suitcases. I am writing this note to you because I know you have a van that could carry them. However, I don't know how to drive, so I would like to ask you if you could take me to the airport. I'm ready to offer you something in exchange. I can pay for the gas and buy you breakfast. If there's anything else other than this, please let me know. I hope you'll agree because it will mean a lot to me and maybe someday I could return your favor.

Sincerely yours,

Mary

(11/2, Group 3: Frosina Angelkoska, Kosta Bojcheski, Cvetanka Kabransova, Aleksandar Milenkov, Bilijana Nedelkoska, Biljana Zdravkovska)

4. Business Relationship:

Write a letter to your bank representative, asking for a 500,000 denar loan for a new automobile.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing in reference to your car loan offer. My name is Aleksander Dimitriev and I have a steady job in a translation bureau in Skopje. I have been working in this firm for five years and my salary ammounts to 400 euros. That being said I am able to regularly pay the loan I am asking you for. The exact ammount I require is 500,000 denars. I really assure that I would be able to pay back this loan with my curent monthly income. As another reassurance is my car insurance and my two refferences who will be a guarantee that the loan will be payed back no matter the circumstances.

(Group 4: Aleksandar Dimitriev, Ivana Jovevska, Bukurie Kajoli, Biljana Mojsoska, Ana Nikolovska, Katerina Nikolovska, Maja Ristovska)

Professor's Notes: Your formal register/tone is exactly right for this situation. Also, your reassurances to the loan officer are mostly complete.

I'm not sure how the loan application process works in Macedonia, but in the U.S., an applicant would fill out a lengthy loan form. One would not likely write a letter to apply for a car loan, unless one were refused the loan and wanted to state one's case for being awarded a loan. So, admittedly, the task assigned to you is a bit contrived.

Suggestions for revisions:

--Use more paragraphing. Frequent paragraphing makes the text more readable and attractive to the reader.

--You should inquire about interest rates and whether those rates would be fixed or adjustable. There may be different loan percentages for different situations, such as money down or money already on deposit in the bank.

--What could you offer for collateral? Money down? A note on your home? A co-signer (In your case, likely a parent or other relative)? Your references (an employer and friend, perhaps) may or may not co-sign your loan.

--Correct your spelling (dictionaries and spell checkers).

--In a real situation, research the name of the person responsible for granting car loans at your bank. Then, in your salutation, address that person by name ("Dear Mr________").

--How would you close your letter?

11/2 Revision: Good additions, but see note below.

Dear Mr Smith,

I am writting in refference to your car loan offer published the daily newspaper "Dnevnik" on 10.09.2009.

My name is Aleksander Dimitriev and I have got a steady job as a translator in a translation bureau "Wordfast" in Skopje. I have been working in this firm for five years and my salary ammounts to 400 euros. That being said, I am able to regularly pay the loan I am asking you for. The exact ammount I require is 500,000 denars.

I assure that I would be able to pay back this loan within the time stipulated. As a reassurance, I offer my car insurance. In addition, I have a flat in possession which I am renting.

I believe that I respond to your demands in a propper manner. Please to do hesitate to contact me should you require any further information.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Aleksander Dimitriv

(11/2, Group 4: Aleksandar Dimitriev, Marija Dudanovska, Ivana Jovevska, Bukurie Kajoli, Biljana Mojsoska, Ana Nikolovska, Maja Ristovska)

(Group 4 had the most difficult task. Had they more time, they would have been able to correct their spelling errors, noted in red. Also, in paragraph 4, use "criteria" instead of "demands"; the language of business should be devoid of emotion and emotional appeals.

Aside from these errors, Group 4 did a good job with adding detail and working on format--complete with heading, date, and inside address--and structure, particularly frequent paragraphing.)

5. Employer:

An elderly uncle needs to go to Germany for a very serious operation, and you need to accompany him. Write a letter to your boss, asking for two weeks unpaid leave from work.

Dear Ms Collins,

I am writing to request a two-week-long unpaid leave of absence, starting November 15. My elderly uncle is seriously ill and has to undergo an urgent surgery in Germany. Since he has no other relations, I was asked to accompany him. I am aware that my absence comes at a very busy time for the company, but I have already talked to my colleague Catherine Adams who has volunteered to substitute me. In addition, I am prepared to work extra hours prior to leaving for Germany so that I can finish most of my obligations in advance. Thank you for your understanding.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely,

Tim Brown

(Group 5: Daniela Atanasova, Tihomir Davchev, Natalia Dimitrovska, Nikola Gjelimcheski, Vanja Tripunoska)

Professor's Notes: The register/tone of this letter is correct. If I were your employer, I would probably grant, based on this letter, your unpaid leave. You have assured the employer that your absence will not cost the company money or time. You have laid out a good plan of action. So it looks as though your uncle will have a companion for Germany.

Suggestions for revision:

--More frequent paragraphing. Frequent paragraphing makes the text more readable and attractive to the reader.

--You might make one more offer to the employer: documentation of your journey upon your return, especially if the company is large and the person in charge of personnel doesn't know you well. (In a small company, this might been seen as an insult, so you would have to know the culture of your company.)

11/2 Revision: Good structure and format improvements. Your content was already good.

Dear Ms Collins,

I am writing to request a two-week-long unpaid leave of absence, starting November 15.

My elderly uncle is seriously ill and has to undergo an urgent surgery in Germany. Since he has no other relations, I was asked to accompany him. I am aware that my absence comes at a very busy time for the company, but I have already talked to my colleague Catherine Adams who has volunteered to substitute [for] me. In addition, I am prepared to work extra hours prior to leaving for Germany so that I can finish most of my obligations in advance.

Should you require any further information, or any documentation of the trip afterwards, please do not hesitate to contact me. Thank you for your understanding.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Tim Brown

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely,

Tim Brown

(11/2, Group 5: Daniela Atanasova, Tihomir Davchev, Natalia Dimitrovska, Nikola Gjelimcheski, Vanja Tripunoska)

(Group 5 also used the formal format: heading, date, and inside address.)

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HOMEWORK: For next week's class (November 2), revise, on your own, the letter written by your group. This may be handwritten. In class, you will compare your letter to that of your other group members. Then, based on your individual letters (and group negotiation), your group will revise your letter.

Your group letter will then be peer reviewed by another group:

Group 1 will review Group 5's letter.

Group 2 will review Group 3's letter.

Group 3 will review Group 4's letter.

Group 4 will review Group 2's letter.

Group 5 will review Group 1's letter.

After Peer Review, you will and submit your group revisions to me.

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